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| I can't believe I cried tonight for that worthless bastard again. Cried til my eyes are puffy and swollen. He didn't deserve me 5 years ago, and he sure doesn't deserve me now. I am stronger than this. All this time, lies, lies, lies...and more lies.
The heartache has to be the worse than 8 months ago. It feels like someone took a knife and stab it right in my heart over and over...and over...maybe I do love the guy after all.
I won't do this to myself anymore. After 8 months, we had a real conversation again, and sadly to say, he can still made me cry. I thought I already had closure with all this. I thought I can handle a real conversation again with him...but I guess I don't know myself too well these days.
I hate this feeling . Tonight is finally the end of our chapter....8 months after I left him...sadly to say.
We are not friends nor acquaintances anymore. We are nothing now. Neeg siab dub!
This is my closure. | | |
| When I left 8 months ago, I thought, " Gosh, how am I suppose to survive summer ...without him." Summer flew by...and I managed to be okay..and didn't fall apart... and now, fall has approach us....and these thoughts are lingering in my brain, "what would I do this holiday season without him?"
Is it wrong to feel this way? I am not ready...to move on. I'm scared. I'm not confident....to want what I have put myself into. | | |
| For the first time in months, I suddenly feel very scared...I want someone to truly spoils me...and make me feel special. Don't all women doesn't this all the time?
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| Its been over 6 months. I am much happier now, but lately, I have been feeling pangs of bitterness and hurt again. I don't think it will go away. Why am I feeling like this? Maybe the holidays are coming up and I feel more alone than ever now? Who knows...but late at night, I yearn for that somebody to tell me that they miss me...to give me the same kind of attention I give them.
Then, I realized something. The one thing that was super great about the past was he never picked anything or anybody else over me. I was always first in his eyes, on his clock, etc...and now, I am willingly to give my time away so easily...something is defin. not fair here...
I don't think I miss him, but I miss someone to give me that special attention that I think I deserved.
Aiyas, I can't believe it has been half a year already...I must remember that everything happens for a reason...in my case, a lot of reasons.
I have this huge fear that what is taking place in my life is all just temporary. Okay, maybe its not temporary, but gosh, there's gotta be more than this right? I am running out of patience...or maybe its not patience. Maybe it is really fear...that I will get SCREWED OVER...I always have felt second best since...and the worst fear of all of this is that I think that feeling is maybe the truth...and I am the biggest idiot of all.
Whatever the case is, I do deserve more.
On a brighter note, Seattle, here I come this weekend! Maybe this trip will heal all this pathetic nonsense I've been dealing with.
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| This past thursday, I saw him. He came to hug me at the club--I didn't even realized it was him--but I felt that familiar touch --the moment I turned around and saw his face..., I broke down. The tears came out. These past few months ---I wanted to prove to myself that I can move on-will move--and will never look back. I finally understand myself now. I do firmly want to move on so much, but I never had closure with any of this.
What is worse is that since that night, I couldn't help but think about --so many things--things I shouldn't be thinking about--I was doing so good--but I suddenly feel like I'm going backward...
I did talked to him--texted him today. He says he is confused. He is confused of whether or not he still loves me--or even the possibility reworking at this again.
He is finally learning to let me go...too. He wants me to let him fly away...to someone else..and new things in life...if we are meant to be, then we will find one another again.
His words, not mine anymore. Ouch, what was I thinking?
I left him, he is moving on..and so why am I feeling like this?
These last few months, I have been getting to know this other person --my way of healing..and we are getting along great. This was my escape.
The only problem here is I have always felt like I am second best and will always be second best to someone he used to know...and this fact itself is pretty sad to me. I always walk away with this feeling every time from a conversation--feel that certain type of attention is not directed as it should be...and I am also putting in more than I should in this new friendship.
One of my friend mentioned to me that I deserved more, someone who chooses to give me all his attention, to chase after me and not have to chase after them...and she's right.
Problem is, how do I find this type of person? and, how do I even start? | | |
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